CHISTES

febrero 23, 2013 in Chistes

25 AÑOS DE CASADOS.

Después de estar casados durante 25 años, un día mire a mi esposa y le dije: Querida…

¿Te das cuenta de que hace 25 años yo tenía un apartamento barato, un coche barato, dormía en un sofá cama barato, tenía una televisión de 10 pulgadas en blanco y negro… Pero dormía todas las noches con una despampanante rubia de 25 años?

¿Y te das cuenta de que ahora tengo una hermosa casa, un coche último modelo, una cama grande, un televisor enorme de plasma…. Pero duermo todas la noches con una mujer de 50 años, con un poco de sobrepeso?

Mi esposa una mujer muy razonable, me dijo “mi amor, sal” y busca una despampanante rubia de 25 años súper-delgada, acuéstate con ella y… yo me asegurare de que vuelvas a vivir en un apartamento barato, tengas un coche barato y duermas en un sofá cama barato, para que no extrañes esos “buenos y viejos tiempos”

Me calle y saque la basura…

 

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CHISTE

Diagnostico: lumbalgia crónica

Los hospitales españoles están recibiendo en urgencias a numerosos Diputados, concejales, cargos de confianza del PSOE, del PP, del PNV, de CiU… con problemas serios de columna.  Después de una investigación, se descubrió que el problema venía de los colchones, que no estaban en posición adecuada…

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CABRONA

A un tipo le para la Guardia Civil de Tráfico  cuando iba conduciendo

hacia su casa en compañía de su esposa.

Tipo: -¿Cuál es el problema agente?
Oficial: -Circulaba a 120 Km/h en una zona de 80.
Tipo: -No señor, iba a 85.
Esposa: -No es cierto Luis, ibas a 120.

El tipo  le echa una mirada de advertencia a su mujer.

Oficial: -También lo voy a multar porque tiene fundida la luz de freno de
la izquierda.
Tipo: -¿Luz? ¿Qué luz? No tenía ni idea.
Esposa: -No te hagas el tonto, Luis. Te dije que tenías la luz fundida
hace lo menos 6 semanas.

Esta vez la echa una mirada venenosa, de esas que causan pavor.

Oficial: -También lo multaré por no usar el cinturón de seguridad.
Tipo: -¡Pero si me lo quité en el momento que me detuvo!
Esposa: – ¡¡¡Por favor Luis!!! ¡¡¡Pero si tú nunca lo utilizas!!!

Esta vez Luis no soporta y en el colmo de la exasperación grita a su
mujer: “¡¡¡CIERRA EL PICO HIJA DE PUTAAAA!!!”

Oficial: -Señora, ¿su esposo le habla así normalmente?
Esposa: – No… Sólo cuando está borracho…

 

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La Salchicha irlandesa

Dos irlandeses, Shamus y Murphy, deciden salir a dar una vuelta por las calles de Dublín, con ganas de tomarse unas pintas de cerveza. El gran problema es que, entre los dos, sólo tienen un euro.

Murphy le dice a Shamus:

¡Tengo una gran idea! -y se va a la carnicería de la esquina, de donde sale con una salchicha enorme.
Shamus le comenta:

¿Estás loco?, ahora nos hemos quedado sin dinero.

No te preocupes, ¡sígueme!

Entran en un pub y Murphy pide dos pintas de Guinness y dos copas de Jameson Irish Whiskey. Shamus le reclama:

Tú te has vuelto loco. ¿Te das cuenta del lío en que nos has metido?. ¡No tenemos dinero para pagar!

Y Murphy le contesta sonriendo:

No te preocupes, que tengo un plan. ¡Salud!

Se terminan las pintas y las copas y Murphy dice:

Voy a meterme la salchicha en el pantalón y la sacaré por la cremallera. Tú te arrodillas y te la metes en la boca.

El barman los ve, se pone histérico y los echa del pub.
Con el mismo plan van de pub en pub, bebiendo y emborrachándose más y más y sin pagar un céntimo.
En el enésimo pub, Shamus le dice a Murphy:

Ya no puedo más. Estoy borracho y no soporto el dolor en las rodillas.

Y Murphy le replica:

¿Y cómo crees que me siento yo?… Ya no recuerdo en qué pub perdí la salchicha……….

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QUIEN MEJORA ESTE CHISTE

Un hombre llega a su casa y se encuentra a su mujer haciendo las maletas. 

– ¿Qué haces cariño?’

– Las maletas porque me voy, he leído que en Madrid hay prostitutas que ganan 400 Euros por hacer lo que yo te hago a ti gratis.

Poco después cuando la mujer sale de la casa pasa por la puerta del
dormitorio y se encuentra a su marido haciendo las maletas.

– ¿Qué haces?

– Me voy contigo…por nada del mundo me perdería ver cómo vives tú con 800 Euros al año.

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Decisiones con fundamento.

JURISPRUDENCIA

Durante un juicio el juez le pregunta al acusado:

– ¿Entonces usted me dice que llegó a su casa antes de lo habitual y  encontró a su esposa en la cama con otro hombre?..

– ¡¡Correcto, señor juez!! – responde el reo con la cabeza baja.

– ¿Después, usted buscó su escopeta y disparó a su mujer matándola en el acto? ¿Correcto?…

– ¡Correcto, señor juez!… – repite el reo.

– ¿Y por qué usted disparó a su mujer y no mató a su amante…?

El acusado responde:

– Señor juez… Me pareció más sensato matar a una mujer una única  vez,  que matar a un hombre diferente cada  día.

¡Fue absuelto en el mismo momento!

!Cornudo, pero sensato!

 

Tres incuestionables verdades


*******
“Antiguamente las mujeres cocinaban igual que su mamá.
Hoy, beben igual que su papá.”

*******

“Antiguamente los culos estaban dentro de las bragas.
Hoy en día, las bragas están dentro de los culos…”

*******

Y para terminar
la frase de la década


“Antiguamente los carteles de las calles contenían los rostros de los delincuentes y ofrecían recompensas;

hoy en día, también contienen los rostros de los delincuentes,  pero ahora piden votos”.

CHISTES

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